Monday, May 20

Kevin Hayeland Interviews Kiersten Dolbec

Interview by Ty Joseph & Kevin Hayeland | Photos by Kevin Hayeland

Exposures: So we saw you eating a cucumber at the airport the other day, a long one. Is this a new habit of yours?

Kiersten: You saw it? I love it cause it was just on my story and it kinda went away so that means you really follow me, I’m touched. [Ty’s mellow Husky, Sunset, starts making room for herself on the couch.] What a camera whore… Oh my god, but he’s cuter than all of us. No, it’s a ‘she.’ Shit! It’s a she… Oh, so my cucumber! Ok, actually it’s not a new thing. How big was it? Can you show us? Did you buy it at the airport? [Kiersten starts estimating the size of the cucumber using her hands] Like this big? That’s not that big. Nope, that’s pretty average. They let you through security with that? Yeah! Weirdly enough. It’s my favorite thing to do to eat in the airport because people are like “Where the hell did she get that cucumber?” and I like making people question their own existence and like, what I know that they don’t know. And it keeps up the good looks. Yeah! Everyone looks attractive eating a cucumber. You guys should do it.

Exposures: Do you have any secret talents?

Kiersten: Secret talents, hmm…. OK, I would say it’s like my dancing skills. They’re not like good… I’ve seen you dance. You’ve got the moves. You’re inspired right? ‘Cause I think THAT’S my secret talent. I think I’m inspiring people, like, through their loins to dance. Like you can just see it in their eyes. I’ve seen it in your eyes.

Exposures: OK so odd question – When you clean your ears, which one do you clean first?

Kiersten: If I cleaned my ears… I’m thinking… I wish we had a Q-tip right now… Left. Left ear. What does that say about me? Oh um… It means that you’re a very creative person. Yup! That makes sense. Are you left-handed or right-handed? Right-handed. Oh well, that means that you’re not very creative. Are you good at math or something? I’m pretty good at math. Jesus where am I? I came in with confidence into this interview and now I don’t know who I am anymore!

Exposures: Nah, you’re still the same person. What do you create?

Kiersten: Ummm… I create, I mean I write a lot of comedy. I love comedy. Comedy nerd. Like I’ll go watch uncomfortable, bad comedy. Improv groups, open mics, but I’m always learning something. Usually what NOT to do in front of a group of people, or what subjects NOT to hit. So you’ve done standup? I have. The one standup set I did was in Texas, and I fucking crushed it, but I blacked out through the whole thing. Have you heard about people doing that? Like they make it up on stage, they’ve rehearsed it enough so it comes naturally but then you just totally black out and you like come back and everyone’s cheering like “ You’re the best comedian ever!” I wanna hear a bit from your set. It’s mostly like train of thought. Oh ok. This feels like TMI but fuck it. So I travel a lot for work, and when you travel you get dehydrated and might not have the greatest digestion, so I called to get a colonic while I was in Vegas. But my boyfriend was with me and he was like “Well maybe I should get a colonic too!” And so I started wondering if they do Couples Colonics. 

Exposures: I wish I knew what you meant… Is it an enema? 

Kiersten: So there’s one tube that’s shot up your butt and it shoots water up at a high pressure and it goes all the way through your small intestines and large intestines and then it shoots everything back out. So this is a true story? This is a true story. But it turned into an idea for a bit I wanted to do about calling for Couples Colonics. And then they’re like “Sorry ma’am we don’t do that.” And I’m like “Really? You could just push two of those water basins together… So what am I supposed to do for a whole hour?” And they’ll be like “Well you can read or talk to the physician…” And I was like “Wait there’s gonna be somebody in the room?” (By the way, there is, there’s always someone there for the full hour.) “So what do we talk about? What if we don’t have the same interests? My boyfriend and I have the same interests. Like we could just talk the whole time and entertain each other…” And it just goes on like that from there. But yeah, Couples Colonics, I think it should be a thing. I agree. Maybe next episode, we’ll try a colonic or bring a colonic expert. Although you seem like an expert. 

Exposures: Anyways what kind of movies do you like from before the 80’s? Do you have a favorite?

Kiersten:  So before I was born, what are the movies I liked that basically my parents exposed me to? Wait a minute, is The Breakfast Club, is that pre 1980’s? No that’s definitely 80’s. The epitome of 80’s. Wait… what about any Audrey Hepburn movies? Breakfast at Tiffany’s, I have an answer. I love that. Oh and Three Stooges! That’s Steve Martin… And Martin Short. And who’s the third one? Chevy Chase. Is that right?

Exposures: Yeah. So, Kiersten, you seem like a person that likes to talk to strangers a lot. Do you think this should be encouraged? Do you think little kids should talk to strangers?

Kierstein: I do yeah. I think it builds social skills. How old should they be? They should be fully talking to strangers by age, like, 7. No, the strangers. The strangers should be above the age of 25 because I don’t trust anything that comes out of the mouth of anyone younger. What’s the oldest stranger you’ve talked to recently? Me? Wait downstairs of your apartment. So who did you meet? Oh this old guy. And he asked me if my shirt was see-through. And then I was like “What does it look like to you?” Then he looked right away from me, didn’t finish the conversation, and went up the staircase while I waited for the elevator. I was like “Wow.” I was actually like really… Turned on.

Exposures: So you’re like so crazy, you’re so energetic. Have you ever met anyone more energetic than you?

Kiersten: More energetic than me. It’s pretty rare. Uhhhhh normally, when I meet them, I have to kill them. Speaking of which, we were talking about this earlier. If you wanted to kill someone, which you do – Oh my god, doesn’t everyone? Yeah, but I was gonna say, first off, who – You don’t have to say any names, but who is it? And how do you get away with it? Did you just say don’t say any names but then who is it? Like if we all know who it is, you don’t have to say it. Give us some hints. Hmm. Well they’re in this room… So how would you kill her and dispose? Would you take her out, kinda get her drunk? Wow! What a classic way. No way I’d get way more creative than that. Um. Maybe just a nice night hike. And mushrooms? We were talking about mushrooms. I love mushrooms. Poisonous mushrooms. Cause I’m immune. That’s my superpower. Oh my god, I just realized. Cause I’m immune to mushrooms. Really? You’re immune to poisonous mushrooms? Yeah. But psychedelic really affect me. In the best way.

Exposures: What question are we on? Who is a person that you most want to meet that you haven’t met yet? Is it Houdini or something?

Kiersten: No no no.  No, it sucks. I have to die to meet this guy. It’s Heath Ledger. Oh, he’s dead. Well, we didn’t specify alive or dead. Right, so, I mean some day I’m gonna dig him up. And then be buried right next to him. And grab his body underground. And then we would mold into one. And grow out as trees… Why him? Just cause he’s so hot? His smile. His body. His laugh. His acting.

Exposures: Right. Kiersten, do you think the LA Nightlife is special in any way? And if so, why?

Kiersten: I do. I think it’s special. I’m obsessed with the fact that this whole industry wants to tell a story. I’m getting all real with you real quick. Like, within the acting, the film industry, you have to be a storyteller. And I feel like bars have to have the same thing here… Which leads into, I know you’re gonna ask me my favorite bar… I’m not. That’s stupid. That’s ridiculous. OK well, it’s like every place here has a great dance environment, people dress up, they look fucking dope. Like, they don’t hold back. Especially you, Ty. I never hold back. I just think it’s cool to meet people who are doing big things in this world who are celebrities in the rest of the world but here they’re just people who wanna go out and have a good time and meet cool people and have, like, a network of friends that support each other and what they’re doing. So it’s really neat with LA nightlife how you’re heroes become your friends and you get to support each other and befriend each other and hopefully create together. Which hero became your friend? I’m still waiting on a couple heroes. A lot of heroes honestly. But I think this has happened to a lot of people. Well who’s dope that’s doing a lot of nightlife here? Oh, a bunch of talented directors. This is great: Joe Russo. So Joe Russo created the Avengers. Oh yeah! I know who that is. So I’m like a sci-fi nerd. And now he’s like a good friend! Jonnie introduced me to him. Jonnie Houston – awesome guy in LA nightlife. OK so one night he introduced me to Joe Russo and Joe Russo was super dope and said he really liked my energy and wanted to set me up with his studio, and I didn’t know what that meant at the time but he took my email and then the next day his assistant brought me in for a studio meeting and since then it’s just like… I don’t know, this city is pretty cool.

Exposures: Alright so who is the most inspiring person you’ve met out and about? You don’t have to be out. You can be in too. Maybe you met them inside.

Kiersten: Umm… I have a good answer! And I’m not biased, but it’s Jonnie Houston. And I think it’s because he just does an incredible job of making everybody feel like they’re special, and no matter what, introducing people to other people he thinks they should meet in LA whereas if you’d just approach certain people you’d like to work with, it would seem very like forced, and forward or whatever, but he’s genuinely friends with all of these people so he does a great job of connecting the right people and it just feels like a family. That was a good answer. We’re finally getting good answers. I think it’s interesting that this industry, especially from the acting perspective, everybody just tries to go it alone, and they’re competitive in that way and they’re like “I need all these opportunities instead of so and so” but I don’t think it needs to be that way. I think that everyone can support each other and push their friends to the right roles, or the right jobs, or the right connections. And Jonnie and Mark have created this awesome community for the LA nightlife and that’s why people keep going back to their bars.

Exposures: OK so there are a lot of huge, nice houses in LA. Whose house was the dopest house?

Kiersten: The dopest house I’ve ever been to for a dinner party was a friend, and artist named Roman, and his last name is really hard to pronounce so I’m not gonna try but he’s at the Beechwood, behind Franklin Village. It’s super modern and he’s got a dope view of East Side, like Silver Lake, Echo Park, all the way down. And it sees Downtown and all of Hollywood. It’s the coolest view from a house that I’ve ever seen in LA.

Exposures: So do you have any best girl friends in LA? And if not, are you trying to find your girl squad?

Kiersten: I’m always in the market for new girlfriends. I do tend to attract lesbians though. I don’t know what’s going on there. Is it just a confidence thing? Like a confident girl walks in and…? I think that if you’re hot, you attract both girls and guys. Um. So I’m in the market for friends always. I have a best friend, she’s dope and she’s from Texas and I love her energy and the way that she treats people, BUT we’re not part of that “no new friends” group. I love new friends! Welcome bitches! Who wants to hang? It’s a Thursday night, my name is Sarah, I’m looking for a friend, where do I go? Oh. You should show up at Madame Siam. Cause I’ll be there.

Exposures: So if you had a forehead tattoo, what would it be?

Kiersten: Oh… Um, no regrets? A forehead tattoo, who does that? OK how about a circle of dogs all sniffing each other’s butts. Because they’re just saying “Hi” and they’re like best friends. OK, yeah, dog centipede. Yeah but they’re not fucking, they’re just sniffing. Human centipede aren’t fucking. No, their faces are just glued to each other’s butts. It’s face to ass? Well yeah. It’s not dick to ass.

[All laughing]

Exposures: Yeah it’s a really fucked up movie. Speaking of pups. What’s up with your Instagram name SuddenlyPuppies?

Kiersten: I was just really high with a group of friends and they asked me if I was in a band what would my band name be? And it was either this or 40 Blue Razors. So then, Suddenly Puppies was just the best, happiest mental image I could come up with. And then fun fact, my modeling agency tried to get me to change my name to just my full name Kiersten Ann Dolbec. Those bitches. Bitches. I won’t name names, but I’m no longer with that agency. My choice. Yes! They work for me. I’m telling myself that anyway.

Exposures: What’s up with you and dinosaurs?

Kiersten: Yeah I’ve got an inflatable dinosaur. He’s about 3 feet tall. He’s my son and his name is Alfred. He’s a little baby T-rex. How old is he? He’s now 5. 5 million years? 5 years in the human world. Yeah I had to hatch him like from Jurassic Park. Had to sit on him. That’s how you raise a dinosaur you sit on it? Yeah you gotta keep it warm. And he travels with me around the world. Only when he wants to come though.

Exposures: So you can dance. You can raise dinosaurs. You can act. You can model. Maybe you can sing, I don’t know. BUT – is there one thing you’re just really bad at?

Kiersten: I’m really bad at sitting still. Really bad at that. I don’t know if you guys have noticed but I’m a fidgeter. I can’t sit still. I’m not the best with conversations with children. First I just tense up, and then it’s just word-vomit and I teach them everything I’m not supposed to teach them. I’m just like “Who are you dating?”

Exposures: Oh god. So do you have any like little brothers and sisters?

Kiersten: I kinda grew up like an only child. But I do have a step brother and step sister, they’re younger than me, and they were little assholes. Do you call them little assholes to their face? They were yeah. They know it. Now they for sure know it.

Exposures: What are you proud of that few people know about?

Kiersten: What am I proud of that very few people know about? Ooh! I am the Poo-Pourri Girl. Wait, what? No, you’re kidding, right? You’re not the redhead… I’m not THAT redhead. Do you use Poo-Pourri? Uh, yeah! Well, the one that they sent to me. Do you have any extra? Yeah. I’ll get you one! You just spritz it on the toilet on the surface of the water before you go #2 and then no one can smell it! I saw a commercial for that. And I saw it with somebody I don’t know who, and I thought it was the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard. It’s ridiculous AND it works.

Kiersten: Wait I do have something I have to tell you. I have this other idea for a sketch. I went to this Chinese medicine woman and she told me we should all be eating soups because our stomach turns everything into a soup no matter what, so if we just ate soup we’d really be helping out our digestion. So only eat soups. But here’s the idea though, so I wanna do a little cooking channel cause I used to have this whole cooking Instagram for like a year. Now it doesn’t exist (actually it still exists but I’m not telling you what it is.) OK but I have this idea, I wanna put all these ingredients and be like “Hey Ty and I have made this wonderful prime rib and like a little frisee side salad” and maybe like a little “pear-berry compote dessert.” And at first I’ll be like, “Ty, what do you think of it?” and you’re gonna tell me “It looks amazing Kiersten I can’t believe you cooked this yourself!” And I’ll be like “ Don’t be silly! The cooking’s not done yet!” And then we’re gonna pull in, like, a magic bullet and we’ll put in all the food and turn that whole meal into a blend! And I’m gonna pour you a glass and myself a glass, and it’s gonna be the new fad y’all. THE SOUP DIET! Oh that sounds like a greeeeat idea. Pureed. Looks like puke, tastes like puke.

Exposures: OK Last question. This is a common question we always ask on our interviews. What’s the last photo you took on your phone? 

Kiersten:The person in the photo with me? Jonnie Houston. The person we plugged earlier. This really ties it together. Wait wait wait… Last thing, I wanna plug Ty’s work. Look at this beautiful photo he took!


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